TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely from place. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Of course, certain, let us have An additional spot exactly where American Males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer everyone a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in Trump Tower Damascus in Each and every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he should really quit applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the project, replied, "You already know, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head seen from Area, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the setting up's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not only ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which guests could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advert campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting attention from Global buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will likely include:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD can have convert-down services."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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